So it's currently 1:40pm and I just can't sleep so what better thing to do than write ay? Hopefully getting some of the overwhelming thoughts out of my brain and on to paper will allow me to drift off easier haha. I'm feeling so stressed with schoolwork at the moment but I am so awful as I'll panic about it but then I don't do anything about it for ages as I'm so lazy. Well I'm not lazy, I just have no motivation for things that don't get my juices flowing yaknow... I have no interest or passion for school right now so I'm a serious procrastinator. The trouble with that though is I'm also a serious worrier, to the point where I can't sleep at night knowing I have a massive to do list. It just stares at me and tantalises me all night and tonight was one of those nights. I felt so guilty that I got up out of bed at 11pm and started some artwork. I actually surprisingly love working through the night, there's something so calming about being the only one awake, I feel like I am just a drop in the ocean and that I can chill out and go on through the whole night if I have to as for some strange reason time seems everlasting in the night compared to the day. A quote I read which I think is so true is something along the lines of "it is better to go to bed exhausted with acheivements, then go to bed worried with unfinished tasks". I am feeling so relieved right now that I can mentally scribble out a section of my list in my brain, that's right I'm less of a "tick off" and more of a serial killer scribbler kinda girl. So much more satisfying to watch the evil thing that has caused so much stress be ripped to shreds from the earth mwahahahahahaha. Saying this though, there's one thing so defeating about getting rid of tasks and that is that you're never complete. I'm all for emptying my plate but it never stays empty forever as before you know it, it's piled up again like a 2nd round at an all inclusive buffet. What I mean by this is that as hard as it is you've got to try not to get stressed out by the errands in your life as in retrospection they are temporary and will soon be replaced by something newer and bigger. So I guess you've got to stop avoiding the titanic waves coming your way and learn to surf them. Haha I made that up myself, I do love a water metaphor. The real peace of mind comes from just accepting and learning to live in the present instead of constantly waiting for the future. I'm grateful for all of this boring revison and time consuming artwork for my exam as it is also a time I am young and have my whole life ahead of me. It's most likely future me will wish to go back to this time at some point so I'll embrace it as best as I can.
Anyway, I'm going to attempt to catch some sleep now. Who am I kidding it's all still so stressful and I'll probably be awake for another 2 hours yet!!!!
Hey guys! How has your week been? I'm so relieved it's the weekend and I'm looking forward to just resting as I feel so exhausted at the moment. I've been having a no makeup week at school which is scary in a way as makeup can be a real comfort blanket and confidence booster for me and I'm sure most other girls. Sure I feel ugly and exposed (like a peeled potato) but at the same time there's something so gratifying about showing people exactly what I am. There is also no better inner peace than accepting and embracing yourself naturally, I saw a lovely quote today comparing people to artwork and it got me thinking... Not all of our frames are perfectly kept or flawless but it's the inside of the frame that truly encapsulates people. Also, aren't frames just restricting and confining? Every once in a while you need to just be fearless and break free. Who else is tired of comforming?!
I wanted to write today. No particular reason, but I just had this sudden urge, an overbearing impulse, to pour from my heart and unload the thoughts from my mind that buzz inside of me 24/7.
I guess you could say I'm feeling all sentimental and emotional because it's a new year and that.
As I write this I'm sitting on my sofa wearing my tatty leggings and slouchy cotton jumper surrounded by family. My Nan and Grandad have recently moved next door to be closer and it's such a comforting and happy feeling to know that they are happier and safer.
A few overriding feelings from this year would be developing friendships I would never have imagined and feeling feelings I didn't think could be felt. Wow that was so cheesy. My friends say I need to be checked into rehab but I just call it swimming to new depths in life hahahaha. It's good to be deep right? As long as you keep your head above the water, and that's what 2016 is all about, trying to gain a new calm and composed outlook on life. If there's one thing that I've gained from 2015 it's that you really can't let other people get in the way of your own happiness. What I mean by that is that it's good to care about others and I really believe in always being kind, but you have to remember to be kind to yourself too. That starts with removing negativity and feeling comfortable to just do whatever feels right and not worrying about what others think about you. I think there's nothing worse then letting other people plant opinions inside of your head that you don't agree with, and one thing I need to work on is remembering to not let those things get to me. I don't believe in conflict or arguing back, it's just not my thing. I always feel so guilty at the smallest of things and I never want to inflict sadness on people so I prefer to just not even enter the danger territory of conflict atall. What I do need to start practicing though is remembering to not let the annoying, painful, infuriating moments get to me. I need to remember to just breathe and smile. That's probably so difficult as you can't just turn emotions off, I don't think that's necessarily right either, but I'm just going to try and establish a more steady, breezy approach to life. That's all 2015 has been so far, just faking it till I make it and I hope in 2016 I'll be one step closer to making it.